Jeff and I went shopping in Peterborough today. Most days, a shopping excursion is rather uneventful... sure, there’s a crazy driver or two, maybe a poorly behaved child in a store, or a rude clerk to brighten our day, but today? Today was something different. Today was the day I wanted my air horn strapped to my waist – ready for emergency action!
Costco it can be said, is a place to avoid on a Saturday if at all possible, but generally we are there in the morning and we NEVER grab a cart because we can zip in, around, and then back out again lickety split! If Costco were holding a special day, today would be called “Uncontrolled children, people who can’t say ‘no’ to anything edible, leave my oversized cart ‘here’ while I shop over ‘there’, mingle with friends in the middle of the fucking aisle day”!
Costco it can be said, is a place to avoid on a Saturday if at all possible, but generally we are there in the morning and we NEVER grab a cart because we can zip in, around, and then back out again lickety split! If Costco were holding a special day, today would be called “Uncontrolled children, people who can’t say ‘no’ to anything edible, leave my oversized cart ‘here’ while I shop over ‘there’, mingle with friends in the middle of the fucking aisle day”!
First off, if your kids don’t like to shop or are prone to long bouts of crying or throwing hissy fits, gas the little bastards and leave them at home! I don’t want to have to dodge them. I don’t want to listen to them scream! Mother's who truck their wailing offspring from aisle to aisle thinking that the rest of us aren't bothered by the shrill tantrums need a good head butt! If you can't control your children, please do the world a favour and invest in a baby sitter, some birth control pills, or a gun. Take the little hooligans outside? Put them in the trunk of your car and back into a hydro pole! Take away their iPhone! Make them do homework! Force them to smoke a pack of cigarettes (wait... that's what you do if you catch them smoking... oh... who cares... do it anyway!). Uncontrolled children with idiots for parents could learn a good lesson from Mr. Air Horn!
Hey. I don’t think there’s a person out there who likes food better than me, but believe it or not, I am not one of those people who simply cannot pass by one of those food sampling stations without grabbing a tender morsel or two to pack away like I haven’t eaten in a week. I might taste a sample of something that interests me, but I have NEVER walked up with my cart, stepped to the side of it to command even more space, and stood there eating like a horse at a trough making a complete spectacle of myself because (and let’s be honest) I’ve stopped the entire flow of traffic, so I have just made myself the centre of attention while I add more food that is only going to quickly end up on hips supporting a body that should NOT be clad in spandex! EVER! You need food that bad? Have it delivered since exercise is obviously not a passion. People like that should visit the sampling table where Mr. Airhorn talks about the something else you can cram into your face!
If you simply must use one of Costco’s “Big enough for a side of beef” carts, don’t leave it in other people’s way while you go searching for something to buy without the damned cart because the aisles are full of carts left by people running around looking for items to put in their carts”! FUCK PEOPLE! Do you park your cars in the middle of the street? People who leave shopping carts in the way of other shoppers need to have a wee chat with Mr. Airhorn!
We all love it when we see friends while we’re out shopping, unless of course your shopping cart is full of porn magazines, maxi pads and medicine for diarrhea. Please, by all means, catch up on the news, hug and kiss each other if you have to, hell, if you really love them, I don't care if you engage in wild intercourse up against the bags of water softener salt, but GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE AISLE because I really don’t care to stand there trying to think of a polite way of telling you to “break it up” so I can continue with my shopping instead of listening to you go on about your surgery to have a cyst removed from your inner thigh, or how great little Becky did in grade 3 this year! I just don’t bloody well care. Imagine that! In fact, I don’t give a flying fuck about any detail of your life… and by the way, you should learn to style the hair on the back of your head too. A mirror is only good for styling the front, and people DO see you from behind you know. People who associate with friends while blocking others from shopping should have Mr. Airhorn introduce the next topic of conversation!
Ah… the parking lot has arrived finally! We made it out without killing or being killed. “Where are those screaming children?” I ask as I put the car in drive and scanning the lot with my eyes hunting for a deserving target to check my tire pressure with. We visited Sobey’s for groceries, Canadian Tire, and (gulp) Walmart (which is always another story unto itself), and I can tell you that nothing is better than arriving home and being able to sit down and say “thanks mum and dad for teaching me how to behave in public and how to treat others. I only wish you taught me not to leave Mr. Airhorn at home.” Next time I will try not to forget to leave him in the garage. He’s getting lonely in there, and there’s a whole world that could learn from sharing in his wisdom!
Hey. I don’t think there’s a person out there who likes food better than me, but believe it or not, I am not one of those people who simply cannot pass by one of those food sampling stations without grabbing a tender morsel or two to pack away like I haven’t eaten in a week. I might taste a sample of something that interests me, but I have NEVER walked up with my cart, stepped to the side of it to command even more space, and stood there eating like a horse at a trough making a complete spectacle of myself because (and let’s be honest) I’ve stopped the entire flow of traffic, so I have just made myself the centre of attention while I add more food that is only going to quickly end up on hips supporting a body that should NOT be clad in spandex! EVER! You need food that bad? Have it delivered since exercise is obviously not a passion. People like that should visit the sampling table where Mr. Airhorn talks about the something else you can cram into your face!
If you simply must use one of Costco’s “Big enough for a side of beef” carts, don’t leave it in other people’s way while you go searching for something to buy without the damned cart because the aisles are full of carts left by people running around looking for items to put in their carts”! FUCK PEOPLE! Do you park your cars in the middle of the street? People who leave shopping carts in the way of other shoppers need to have a wee chat with Mr. Airhorn!
We all love it when we see friends while we’re out shopping, unless of course your shopping cart is full of porn magazines, maxi pads and medicine for diarrhea. Please, by all means, catch up on the news, hug and kiss each other if you have to, hell, if you really love them, I don't care if you engage in wild intercourse up against the bags of water softener salt, but GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE AISLE because I really don’t care to stand there trying to think of a polite way of telling you to “break it up” so I can continue with my shopping instead of listening to you go on about your surgery to have a cyst removed from your inner thigh, or how great little Becky did in grade 3 this year! I just don’t bloody well care. Imagine that! In fact, I don’t give a flying fuck about any detail of your life… and by the way, you should learn to style the hair on the back of your head too. A mirror is only good for styling the front, and people DO see you from behind you know. People who associate with friends while blocking others from shopping should have Mr. Airhorn introduce the next topic of conversation!
Ah… the parking lot has arrived finally! We made it out without killing or being killed. “Where are those screaming children?” I ask as I put the car in drive and scanning the lot with my eyes hunting for a deserving target to check my tire pressure with. We visited Sobey’s for groceries, Canadian Tire, and (gulp) Walmart (which is always another story unto itself), and I can tell you that nothing is better than arriving home and being able to sit down and say “thanks mum and dad for teaching me how to behave in public and how to treat others. I only wish you taught me not to leave Mr. Airhorn at home.” Next time I will try not to forget to leave him in the garage. He’s getting lonely in there, and there’s a whole world that could learn from sharing in his wisdom!
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